I'm Not Flawless....

I have to admit that I have a terrible temper… both sides of my family have a reputation of horrible tempers and unfortunately I got that trait as well. It’s not that I get mad often… its that when I do get mad I blow up. I go to extremes and I say or do things I shouldn’t. I can’t see clearly. All I am seeing with is anger. I hate this trait that I’ve inherited and unfortunately I think my kids have also inherited it, or at least picked it up from my bad example.

Yesterday was the first day I have really gotten angry in a long time. The slightest thing made me blow up. As anyone with kids know if you have more than one there is going to be at least one if not more fights each and every day. Its inevitable… its science…. Its logic… its just life. And yesterday I had just had enough of it. I was tired of them fighting over what seemed like EVERY.SINGLE.THING.EVERY.SINGLE.DAY … so I decided to take EVERYTHING out of their room aside from books, clothes and their bed.

I was so mad… I was even taking my 8 year olds seashell collection because at that point in time the only thing going through my mind was “if they can’t stop fighting over everything I’m not going to let them have anything at all.” So I was in the middle of taking everything and someone called me and asked what I was doing. I told her and I could tell by her voice that she wasn’t happy or agreed with what I was doing but she didn’t really say that. We got off the phone quickly and I blew up again because I knew she didn’t agree with what I was doing.

So I went outside to talk to hubby and he was on the phone with her. And by that time I filled with so much rage and hate I couldn’t think of anything else. I was crying… I was yelling at myself in my head. And all I could think was “my kids would be better off without me”… you see that’s what a history of depression, suicidal thoughts and anger issues brings you. It gets you down to that low… very low point where all you can think of is just giving up and leaving.

And it’s exactly where the devil wanted me. He wanted me to feel like that. He wanted me to stay angry and full of hate. And that is what I was doing. When hubby got off the phone I started yelling and crying at him… all the while he kept his cool. I don’t know how but he did. I finally went inside to be alone because obviously he wasn’t on my side, at least that’s what I thought at the time.

He later came in while I was still upset and full of that rage and hatred. And started talking to me. He was in his way telling me I shouldn’t be acting like that and holding grudges. He was telling me how I should call myself a Christian if I am going to let the devil take me over like that and make me so full of rage. He was telling me how I had to fight it and move on. He was telling me how there are many times he wants to blow up over stuff but holds his tongue cause he knows it’s better that way. He told me how he knows he’s the laughing stock at work because everyone knows how he believes. But he just lets it roll of his back because their opinions don’t matter.

All the while he is talking to me I know he is right. But I also have a personality where I don’t like to admit when I am wrong and someone else is right. It’s one of the many flaws I have. Hubby kept talking and telling me to call her and apologize for getting mad at her. I just couldn’t do it, at least not at that moment. I knew that if I would call and apologize I would start crying because another one of my flaws is I am emotional…. Very emotional and I didn’t want to be like that. He told me that if I waiting to call later it wouldn’t be the same. That I needed to call then.

I still wouldn’t call. I was too proud (another one of my flaws). So I calmed down and made the kids breakfast and then started some laundry. While I was starting laundry he happened to dial her number and handed me the phone. Since I had calmed down I could talk without crying. So we both talked like nothing happened. I didn’t mention it and neither did she. I don’t know if she knew I was sorry or if she knew that I was just having one of my “episodes” … I don’t know what else to call it lol. But we talked like normal.

I later texted her and told her I was sorry for getting mad at her. I don’t if she read the text but I hope she did. The whole time he was talking to me she was calling me and just kept ignoring her calls… cause I didn’t want to talk. I know that is childish but again I am not flawless. I am full of flaws.

Looking back on yesterday I can see now I was acting like a brat. I was be stubborn and hard headed and letting the devil get the best of me. When all the while as soon as I felt that rage come up I should have got down on my knees and started praying.

I have a hard time admitting I am wrong… a hard time admitting I am weak mentally (everyone knows I am weak physically) … I have a hard time being patient and a hard time not being liked by everyone… if I think someone is talking about me then my mind always goes to the thoughts of me now being good enough… and that I shouldn’t be here making people miserable.

I think those thoughts are inevitable every now and then. I’ve had them since I was 15… I’m been fighting myself since I was 15….. I’m broken… I admit that now… I’m broken and I need a savior. I need Jesus everyday… every minute and every hour. I don’t call on him enough… I don’t spend enough time talking to him…

I am a work in progress…. I’m not perfect… I never will be perfect…. But I am forgiven and that is enough. I have to learn to control my anger and rage and fight the devil when he comes on me. Some days I just want to sit and cry and feel sorry for myself but that doesn’t solve anything…

I am so glad I have a husband that is willing to stand there and tell me the truth. To tell me how I am acting is wrong and how I need to straighten up. That my friends is love. He loves me enough that he cares not just about me here on earth but he cares about my soul and where it is going.

Why did I write this post… I’m not really sure. Maybe to make myself accountable… maybe to let others know they aren’t alone… or maybe just to share my struggle…. I really don’t know but I’ve been feeling a pull all day to write this so I finally gave in.

If you made it this far… Thank you… and sorry this is such a long post…

Until next time …