I have to admit that I have a terrible temper… both sides of
my family have a reputation of horrible tempers and unfortunately I got that
trait as well. It’s not that I get mad often… its that when I do get mad I blow
up. I go to extremes and I say or do things I shouldn’t. I can’t see clearly.
All I am seeing with is anger. I hate this trait that I’ve inherited and unfortunately
I think my kids have also inherited it, or at least picked it up from my bad
example.
Yesterday was the first day I have really gotten angry in a
long time. The slightest thing made me blow up. As anyone with kids know if you
have more than one there is going to be at least one if not more fights each
and every day. Its inevitable… its science…. Its logic… its just life. And
yesterday I had just had enough of it. I was tired of them fighting over what seemed
like EVERY.SINGLE.THING.EVERY.SINGLE.DAY … so I decided to take EVERYTHING out
of their room aside from books, clothes and their bed.
I was so mad… I was even taking my 8 year olds seashell
collection because at that point in time the only thing going through my mind
was “if they can’t stop fighting over everything I’m not going to let them have
anything at all.” So I was in the middle of taking everything and someone
called me and asked what I was doing. I told her and I could tell by her voice
that she wasn’t happy or agreed with what I was doing but she didn’t really say
that. We got off the phone quickly and I blew up again because I knew she didn’t
agree with what I was doing.
So I went outside to talk to hubby and he was on the phone
with her. And by that time I filled with so much rage and hate I couldn’t think
of anything else. I was crying… I was yelling at myself in my head. And all I
could think was “my kids would be better off without me”… you see that’s what a
history of depression, suicidal thoughts and anger issues brings you. It gets
you down to that low… very low point where all you can think of is just giving
up and leaving.
And it’s exactly where the devil wanted me. He wanted me to feel
like that. He wanted me to stay angry and full of hate. And that is what I was
doing. When hubby got off the phone I started yelling and crying at him… all
the while he kept his cool. I don’t know how but he did. I finally went inside
to be alone because obviously he wasn’t on my side, at least that’s what I
thought at the time.
He later came in while I was still upset and full of that
rage and hatred. And started talking to me. He was in his way telling me I
shouldn’t be acting like that and holding grudges. He was telling me how I
should call myself a Christian if I am going to let the devil take me over like
that and make me so full of rage. He was telling me how I had to fight it and
move on. He was telling me how there are many times he wants to blow up over
stuff but holds his tongue cause he knows it’s better that way. He told me how
he knows he’s the laughing stock at work because everyone knows how he believes.
But he just lets it roll of his back because their opinions don’t matter.
All the while he is talking to me I know he is right. But I
also have a personality where I don’t like to admit when I am wrong and someone
else is right. It’s one of the many flaws I have. Hubby kept talking and
telling me to call her and apologize for getting mad at her. I just couldn’t do
it, at least not at that moment. I knew that if I would call and apologize I
would start crying because another one of my flaws is I am emotional…. Very emotional
and I didn’t want to be like that. He told me that if I waiting to call later
it wouldn’t be the same. That I needed to call then.
I still wouldn’t call. I was too proud (another one of my
flaws). So I calmed down and made the kids breakfast and then started some
laundry. While I was starting laundry he happened to dial her number and handed
me the phone. Since I had calmed down I could talk without crying. So we both
talked like nothing happened. I didn’t mention it and neither did she. I don’t
know if she knew I was sorry or if she knew that I was just having one of my “episodes”
… I don’t know what else to call it lol. But we talked like normal.
I later texted her and told her I was sorry for getting mad
at her. I don’t if she read the text but I hope she did. The whole time he was
talking to me she was calling me and just kept ignoring her calls… cause I didn’t
want to talk. I know that is childish but again I am not flawless. I am full of
flaws.
Looking back on yesterday I can see now I was acting like a
brat. I was be stubborn and hard headed and letting the devil get the best of
me. When all the while as soon as I felt that rage come up I should have got
down on my knees and started praying.
I have a hard time admitting I am wrong… a hard time
admitting I am weak mentally (everyone knows I am weak physically) … I have a
hard time being patient and a hard time not being liked by everyone… if I think
someone is talking about me then my mind always goes to the thoughts of me now
being good enough… and that I shouldn’t be here making people miserable.
I think those thoughts are inevitable every now and then. I’ve
had them since I was 15… I’m been fighting myself since I was 15….. I’m broken…
I admit that now… I’m broken and I need a savior. I need Jesus everyday… every
minute and every hour. I don’t call on him enough… I don’t spend enough time
talking to him…
I am a work in progress…. I’m not perfect… I never will be
perfect…. But I am forgiven and that is enough. I have to learn to control my
anger and rage and fight the devil when he comes on me. Some days I just want
to sit and cry and feel sorry for myself but that doesn’t solve anything…
I am so glad I have a husband that is willing to stand there
and tell me the truth. To tell me how I am acting is wrong and how I need to
straighten up. That my friends is love. He loves me enough that he cares not
just about me here on earth but he cares about my soul and where it is going.
Why did I write this post… I’m not really sure. Maybe to
make myself accountable… maybe to let others know they aren’t alone… or maybe
just to share my struggle…. I really don’t know but I’ve been feeling a pull
all day to write this so I finally gave in.
If you made it this far… Thank you… and sorry this is such a
long post…
Until next time …
